Lessons

I spoke recently with someone who is considering adopting an older child. 

She asked me what advice I had to share that might help them to make a decision. 

Here are some of lessons we've learned in the last 10 months since adopting Drew.

• Older child adoption is entirely different than younger child adoption.  For us it was not just a little different, but totally different.  We were unprepared for just how different it would be.



Moments after meeting Drew in China.

• You can, in fact, adopt a spoiled child from an orphanage.  We did and were totally unprepared for this possibility.
• An older child may have of experience with gender roles within their culture and that may color the way they interact in the home.  In the orphanage Drew basically got anything he wanted that a girl had.  When he came home his sisters had not gotten this memo.  It made for lots of tears and out and out brawls in the house.  He also basically disrespected anything I said or did.  This did not go over well at all.
• The older child may have no life experience.  I understood this intellectually but actually living it on a daily basis was much different.  Think of everything you teach your child from 12-18 months old on...stoves are hot, knives are sharp, hold hands in parking lots, wash your hands, you can drown in water, you can get lost in crowds, etc.  The thing is, he had to learn these lessons over, and over and over.  Telling him once was not enough.  He had to test...could you really get lost, burned...drown? Oh my, was it fatiguing and frightening.
• Anything out of the ordinary would send him into over-drive.  This caused us to live in a strict routine, stay home alot, not have people over, not go many places.  We're people who are usually out and about so this has been hard.   
• Older children have not experienced many, if any, holidays.  We had a romanticized notion of what this would be.  While we were so excited to have him experience his "first" of all the holidays it was not easy.  The change in routine and excitement sent him over the edge.  Christmas...oh my goodness...was he out of control.  I really think that even though we told him the holiday was fun and what to expect, he still had no context with which to frame the experience.  We are looking forward to the second time he experiences holidays when hopefully he (and we) will be able to enjoy them.

First Christmas

• Older children can turn on the charm.  They are skilled at it and have needed it to survive.  We knew this was a big issue with many children who are older when they are adopted. Again, living it day in and out was much more challenging than I expected.  What was especially hard was to be struggling at home and have him charm a friend, check out clerk, preschool teacher or family member in about 5 seconds and having them tell us how adorable Drew was.  While I was glad other people found him to be "darling" it also made it even harder when he was so difficult at home because people didn't believe what was going on. 
• Hygiene...they have not been taught anything.  Enough said.  Hard for this nurse mom who sees germs everywhere.
• "Me too" and "more" are some of Drew's favorite words.  He may not want whatever it is but he is going to get it anyway.  Again, while I intellectually understand why this is so, it still makes it fatiguing day in and day out.  We've had to retrain his mind to understand that everyone gets a turn and there will always be enough. 
• Trips are hard.  It was very hard for Drew to understand that when we went away overnight (which was rare) that we were coming back home again and that he was coming home with us.  A part of his soul never quite trusts that this is forever.  I don't know how to make him believe it other than to have him experience it over time.

There have been many great joys of the last year.  Here are some of my favorites:

• Opening a tub of "hand me down" clothes from Luke when Drew first came home and the pure joy that all the toys and clothes were his.
• Seeing him thrilled over a package of new socks.
• The day after Christmas when he asked if he had to return all of his toys because Christmas was over...and was told they were all his!  He got to keep them.  He could not believe it.
• Watching him experience snow.
• His joy over every...single...haircut.

Tips for those in the process of an older child adoption.

• Talking, emailing, blogging to others who have adopted an older child was the most helpful.  Even if they haven't experienced all of what you are, they certainly understand and can empathize.
• Time heals much.
• Prioritze your marriage.  This was the best advice we were given.  An older child can drive a wedge quickly if you're not paying attention.
• Stand united as parents.  Matt backed me 100%.  It was critical to Drew understanding that what mom said had as much weight as what dad said.  A huge and difficult lesson.
• Tough love.  Very firm discipline...most likely firmer than you've had to ever use with your other children. 
• Direct eye contact.  In China they do not look anyone directly in the eye.  We would make Drew look us in they eye when we were disciplining him.  This was crutial in getting him to take what we were saying seriously.

While our journey of the last year has been far from easy. 

Our marriage is stronger. 

Our faith is firmer.

Our family is closer.

And it has been worth every struggle, joy, tear and heartache.

Because God does not ask us to do what is easy...but rather to follow the call...

and He brings beauty from ashes.